Random Conversations with the Cullens
by vamptitude12
Summary: Just some random funny conversations with the Cullens... at least I hope they're funny!
1. Larry

_Alice and Bella giggle mischievously. _

Emmett: What are you guys doing to Jasper's teddy?

Bella: Oh nothing.

_ Alice giggles _

Emmett: Is that lipstick?

Alice: No silly, it's tinted lip gloss

Emmett: Jasper is going to kill you when he finds out!

Bella: We know

Emmett: Can I help?

Alice: Join in!

_Everyone takes turns painting make up on the teddy _

Jasper: What are you guys doing to Larry???

Bella, Alice, Emmett: HUH?!

Jasper: LARRY! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?!

_Runs to grab Larry and cradles him in his arms _

Jasper: RED LIPSTICK? THAT'S NOT HIS COLOR!

Alice: Jasper, it is and you know it. Remember that session we had on lip colors?? And by the way, that's tinted gloss, not lipstick.

Jasper: Same thing

Emmett: Really? She told me it isn't.

_Jasper sniffles _

Bella: But Jasper, look at him. Doesn't he look much better?

Jasper: NO! I'm telling Esme on you guys!

_Runs to get Esme _


	2. The Punishment

Esme: I'm very disappointed in your behavior! 

Bella, Alice, Emmett: Sorry Esme

Esme: don't apologize to me, apologize to Jasper!

Bella, Alice, Emmett: Sorry Jasper

_Jasper sniffles _

Esme: Since you hurt Jasper and possibly scarred him emotionally for life, I've decided your punishment will be that you have to allow Jasper to play with your emotions whenever he wants to, as well as giving up your vehicles.

_Groans from Alice and Emmett _

Bella: Esme? Does this mean I get my truck taken away also?

Esme: Yes, I'm having Edward get you the most expensive car he can find!

Bella: Noooooo!

Alice: Oh Bella, at least you have a car! 

Emmett: Yeah!

Esme: Let the punishment begin!

_Jasper cackles evilly_


	3. Day 1 of Punishment

**Oh I forgot a disclaimer for the other 2 **

**Disclaimer: now think about this…. If I'm writing a disclaimer, it obviously means I don't own this, which I don't. **

**And thank you for all the reviews! **

**And now for the story...**

Edward: Cowering under the covers isn't going to protect you, Bella

Bella: I know, but I feel safer this way!

Edward: And you can't stay in the house all day for your punishment and not go anywhere. You'll go stir crazy.

Bella: NO! I'm not going anywhere in an expensive crazy car and I'm not coming out to let Jasper see whatever I do when he messes with my emotions! NO!

Edward: Ok, I guess I'll just stay here with you then

_Alice and Emmett enter room _

Emmett: Can we hide out in here?

Alice: Yeah, Jasper already made Emmett kiss me, and I didn't know, so I was like, "Emmett! What the heck are you doing?" and then Jasper snickered and ran around the house chanting about how we can't make him stop. 

Bella: Umm, sure! I think there's room under the bed and in the closet!

_Edward snickers _

Alice: What? Don't you feel sorry for us?

Edward: Actually, I can't say that I do! You brought this upon yourselves, and actually, it's quite funny!

Bella: He's right, you know.

Emmett: BELLA! Why do you listen to him? He thinks this is funny!!! He WANTS us to go out their so Jasper can see what we do!

Bella: But, but, but….

Alice: That's right, Bella. You just stay put under your covers up there.

Edward: Come on Bella, are you really going to listen to them? They're the ones who got you in trouble!

Emmett: Oh no! He's unleashing the power of his eyes on her!!! Close your eyes Bella! CLOSE YOUR EYES!!!

Bella: See ya guys!

_Bella jumps out of the bed and the door slams shut _

Alice: NOOOOOO!

Emmett: What?

Alice: They're planning a prank on us!

Emmett: Well???? What are they doing????

Alice: OOOO!

Emmett: What? What? WHAT?

Alice: There's a sale at Bloomingdales! And they're going to have a new line of clothing!

Emmett: GARRRRRRRR!


	4. Take it like a Cullen!

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN! IF I DID, I WOULDN'T NEED TO WRITE A DISCLAIMER!!!**

** sorry, my chapters are short! But I promise I'll write more!**

Alice: Emmett, are you making out with that pillow? 

Emmett: What? No…….

Alice: Please, please, tell me that was only Jasper making you do that.

Emmett: Yes?

Alice: Eww! You're gross Emmett! You must be getting delusional, because that pillow doesn't look a thing like Rosalie! Oh, wait till I tell her that!

Emmett: NOOO! You can't tell Rosalie!!!! Please don't!!!!!!

Alice: Grow up, Emmett! We still have to figure out how to get out of here without getting pranked!

Emmett: I have an idea!

Alice: Oh yeah? What is it?

Emmett: We should stay in here till our punishment is up!

Alice: Emmett, you doofus! Don't you realize that I'll be missing days and days of shopping!

Emmett: Yeah, and I wouldn't get to see Rosalie in forever!

_Emmett starts making out with the pillow again _

Alice: Stop that!

_Grabs pillow from Emmett _

Alice: Now we're going to go downstairs and take this prank like a real Cullen!

Emmett: Then I don't think I'm a real Cullen…

Alice: EMMETT! Get your butt down those stairs right now!

Emmett: Ok, ok, I'm going!


	5. The Prank

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN! IF I DID, I WOULDN'T NEED TO WRITE A DISCLAIMER!!!**

_Everyone is sitting on the couch, watching TV as Emmett and Alice come down the stairs _

Bella: Hey guys!

Alice: Hi… Bella…. 

Rosalie: Hey, Emmett, I know how much you probably want your jeep back, so I got it out of Esme's hands and its waiting on the drive for you.

Emmett: Really? That's awesome! Thanks Rose!

_Emmett runs out of the house, and sees a pink jeep in the driveway _

Emmett: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY JEEP?

_Jasper snickers _

Jasper: Like the paint job? I got to pick the color!

Emmett: My JEEP!!!

_Falls to his knees, sobbing about his jeep _

Jasper: HA HA!!!

_Now back to Alice…… And just so you know, Alice doesn't know what happened to the jeep, only that Rosalie got it back for Emmett _

Rosalie: Hey Alice, I got your car back too! I decided that Esme's punishment was kind of cruel…

Alice: THANKS!

_Alice__ runs out to her car and gets in with a couple credit cards... She zooms off to the mall and piles up bunches of clothes to buy. _

Store Clerk: I'm sorry ma'm, but these credit cards have been cancelled.

Alice: What?! That's impossible!

Store Clerk: Obviously not, or they wouldn't be cancelled

Alice: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Haha. I know, my pranks sucked butt. No ideas came to me. You can all trash my pranks now! D **


	6. More Punishment

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN! IF I DID, I WOULDN'T NEED TO WRITE A DISCLAIMER!!!**

_Edward and Bella are sitting on the couch, watching TV with Jasper _

Bella: What are we watching?

Jasper: Desperate Housewives

Bella: Ok… Why?

Jasper: Because I like to watch Susan fight with Edie for that Mike guy's attention. It just goes to show what girls will do for a guy.

Edward: Exactly.

Bella: Oh.

_Jasper sends waves of lust through the house, making Bella start to make out with Edward. She pulls away once she realizes what she is doing. _

Edward: That was…. Unexpected….

_Jasper cackles with laughter _

Bella (red faced): JASPER!!!

Jasper: Tut, tut, Bella. Technically you're still under punishment. So I can do that without getting in trouble!

_Bella mutters something under her breath _

Jasper: What was that, Bella?

Bella: Nothing.

Jasper: Yeah, that's what I thought.

**Does this make up for my lousy pranks? **


	7. The Purple Dinosaur

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN! IF I DID, I WOULDN'T NEED TO WRITE A DISCLAIMER!!!**

_Jasper is sitting on the couch flipping through the TV channels _

Jasper: OOO… What's this?

_He stops on a little kids TV channel with Barney on, and Alice and Emmett enter the room _

Alice: Jasper, what are you watching? 

Emmett: What's that big purple thing?

_Bella enters the room _

Bella: Oh my gosh….

Alice: What?

Bella: It's Barney…

Jasper: I love you, You love me, We're a happy family, with a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you, Won't you say you love me TOO!

Emmett: Heyy! I like this big purple thing! If he can change Jasper's mood just like that, we should watch this everyday!

Alice: Yea….

Bella: Um, well I'm going to be leaving now…..

Emmett: What did that big purple thing ever do to you?

Bella: His name is Barney.

Emmett: Oh yeah… What did Barney ever do to you?

Bella: I met him.

Emmett: No way! Did you hear that Jasper? Bella got to meet Barney!

Jasper: COOL!

Bella: Actually, not "cool"

Alice: Why not?

Bella: Because….

Flashback to when Bella met Barney… 

Renee: Bella, aren't you excited? You get to meet Barney!

Little Bella: Yeah! I love you, You love me, We're a happy family, with a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you, Won't you say you love me TOO!

_Renee and Little Bella walk into a big studio building, and meet Barney. Little Bella, of course, trips and falls in front of Barney, who laughs. _

Little Bella: That's not very nice, Barney! You're nicer on the show!

Flashback ends…. 

Alice: Wow, that's terrible!

Jasper: I don't know, guys, I don't think Barney would ever do that…

Emmett: Yeah! Look, he's even singing and dancing for these kids!

Bella: Whatever. You watch the evil Barney, I don't care.


	8. Crushing on the Stars

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN! IF I DID, I WOULDN'T NEED TO WRITE A DISCLAIMER!!!**

**Haha. How'd you like my Barney one?**

_All the guys are sitting on the couch, watching TV, as usual! ) _

Emmett: Quiet everybody! Jessica Simpson is on TV!!!

Edward: I didn't know you liked Jessica Simpson

Emmett: Oh yeah! leans in toward Edward She's pretty hot too, if you know what I mean.

Edward: Actually, no, I don't. Does Rosalie know about this obsession you have with Jessica Simpson?

Emmett: NO!

Edward: Uh huh.

Emmett: Awww, come on Edward, don't you have a celebrity that you think just may be a teensy bit cuter than Bella?

Edward: Nope, I can't say that I do. Why don't you ask Jasper?

Emmett: Hey Jasper!

Jasper: Huh?

Emmett: Isn't there a celebrity that you like just a bit more than your wife? Edward here claims he doesn't.

Jasper: Ummm…. Don't tell anyone, but I really like Paris Hilton!

_Emmett and Edward stare at Jasper, aghast. _

Jasper: What?!

Emmett: Come on, Edward, are you sure you don't have one?

Edward: Well…

Emmett: Yeah?

Edward: I kinda like that Haylie Duff girl

Emmett: Wow, Edward! Good choice!

_Edward rolls his eyes _


	9. Grocery Shopping Part 1 Store Clerks

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN! IF I DID, I WOULDN'T NEED TO WRITE A DISCLAIMER!!**

Esme: Anyone want to come grocery shopping with me?

Alice: did someone say shopping? ME!

Bella: I guess i'll come too then,

Edward: If Bella is going, then i'm going.

Rosalie: Sure, why not

Emmett: gasps THE GROCERY STORE!?

Esme: Uh, yea...

Emmett: YES! I'LL COME!! they have EVERYTHING there!

Jasper: Do they have Barney?

Bella: I think so.

Jasper: I'M GOING THEN!

Esme: Lets go then!

everyone gets in cars, drives off to the grocery store

Alice: look at how much stuff there is to buy here!

Jasper: Where is Barney?! looks around worriedly

Emmett: Oh for pete's sake Jasper, I'll show you. drags Jasper to the toy aisle

Esme: I'm off to buy food for Bella and then I may swing by the furniture and craft aisle... is off to the furniture aisle before anyone can object

Alice: OOOH! Bella, your coming with me!! They have SHOES AND CLOTHES HERE!

Bella: Edward! HELP!

Edward: Uhh... sorry. I think i'll go find Jasper and Emmett...

Rosalie: Oh no you dont! slaps Edward

Edward: What was that for?

Rosalie: Because I wanted Emmett to get lost... He was getting annoying. smiles evilly

Edward backs away slowly

Rosalie: Get back here! grabs Edward

Edward: Where are we going??

Rosalie: oh you'll be fine... smiles evilly once more

horror appears on Edward's face

_Scene switches to Rosalie and Edward near the accessories_

Male Store Clerk: May I help you?

Rosalie: No thanks, I'm just looking

Store Clerk: Oh, then let me show you the necklace display...

Rosalie: Ohh, well I guess...

clerk directs her to the necklace rack

Rosalie: ooh! I like this one! picks up a necklace and holds it up to the light

Clerk: would you like me to help you try it on? doesn't wait for and answer, immediatly starts putting the necklace on Rosalie, leaning in a little too close

Edward nudges store clerk from behind, causing the store clerks lips to land smack dab on Rosalies

Rosalie: gasps YOU PERV! I'M MARRIED!

Store Clerk: blushes deep shades of red, stammering

Rosalie smacks him upside the head

**Haha... not as funny as others... but I hadn't updated for a while so this one was kind of write as i go... oh well,. hope you liked it... and maybe a review?**


	10. Grocery Shopping Part 2 The Toy Aisle

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN! IF I DID, I WOULDN'T NEED TO WRITE A DISCLAIMER!!**

**Thanks for all the reviews!! Britt.Dan I would really like to do more pranks... if my pranks were good anyway! But I promise I'll try my best to think of some! Anywhome, i dont own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does, and on to the story!**

_Jasper and Emmett are in the toy aisle, surrounded by little kids_

Emmett: Hey Jasper, look, its a Hannah Montana barbie!!

Jasper: Who cares! Look at all this Barney stuff!

Emmett: Bella said Barney was evil.

Jasper: Bella doesnt know much. I mean, she married Edward, didnt she?

Emmett: Haha! that was a good one Jasper!! Just hope that Edward didnt hear that... You would probably want to get hooked up with that witness protection thingy... Oh... Hi Edward... Whats up??

Edward: Hey guys. Jasper, Emmetts, right, you might want to call the witness protection people.

Japsers eyes bulge

Jasper: Uh huh!

_The 3 guys finally notice all the kids staring at them_

Emmett: Oh... Hey little people!

Little Girl: I'm NOT LITTLE!

_Boys exchange looks_

Emmett: Well you kind of are... I mean, I have to tilt my head down to see you...

Edward: I dont think it is a good idea to argue with them, Emmett.

little girl steps on Emmetts foot, or at least tries to

Little Girl: That didn't hurt??

Emmett: Nope,

Little Girl: It hurts when I step on my mommy's foot.

older boy pokes Emmett '

Older Boy: What are you, a rock?

Jasper: muttering almost...

Older Boy: Wha?

Edward: Nothing... Where are you parents??

Little Girl: Grocery shopping... Where are YOUR parents??

Jasper: Oh, who knows. Anyway. Do you like Barney??

Little Girl: Ew, no way! Barney is evil! I like Whinnie the Pooh!

Jasper looks aghast

Older Boy: How old are you, 20? And you like Barney?

Edward: mutters nope, he's waayyy older than that.

Older Boy: How old?

Emmett: ummm he's like... well geez Jasper, how old ARE you?

Jasper: 165

Older Boy: funny, you dont LOOK that old.

Edward: Cause he's not! sends evil eye to Emmett and Jasper

Older Boy: Oh-kay.

_Rosalie comes running down the aisle screaming._

Rosalie: EDWARD! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! I KNOW YOU MADE THAT CLERK KISS ME!!

Edward: Uh oh, well nice talking to you guys... gotta run now!!

Jasper: too bad she can't kill him...

Emmett: WAIT! WHAT DID EDWARD DO?

**Yea... Well I really do want to do a prank, but have no idea what I would do. So maybe you could give me an idea... anywhome. Hope you liked that chapter... D**


End file.
